Funny Status Lines For Facebook Whatsapp

Funny Status Lines

People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician.

People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.

Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.

It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms.

Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.

Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.

Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can't be with them for the holidays. But don't be jealous.

Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.

Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"

You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.

 If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel you are looking the wrong way.

 everybody sounds asian when they sneeze .

This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little" , too?

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.

The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.

Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?

A GPS is only good if you can remember where you wanted to go in the first place.

I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it's about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.

If your house doesn't have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.

I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.

I changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice. Now it just says "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."

One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...

One spelling mistake can destroy your life.A Husband sent this to his wife:I`m having a wonderful time wish you were her.

A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy.

I was wondering why some couples don't go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don't work out...

 I love my job only when I'm on vacation.

Dear God, there is a bug in your software… it’s called Monday, please fix it.

All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.

 If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up .

The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?

When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.

I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. Someone is a marketing genius.

A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

 I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle! He’s dreaming too.

A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.

It's only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.

"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" said no one ever.

I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.

Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT

They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self defense.

I don't care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special.

If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.

I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me.