49 Funny Hot Weather Quotes

Funny Hot Weather Quotes

Laugh away the heat with our collection of 49 funny hot weather quotes! From witty one-liners to hilarious observations, these quotes will have you smiling and nodding along. Beat the heat with humor and enjoy the sunshine with a smile. Read on for some temperature-related laughter!

Dear summer, stop showing off. We know you’re hot!

I'm not sure what's more uncomfortable: the heat or my electricity bill from running the AC nonstop.

I'm starting to think that instead of an air conditioner, I need a personal cloud that follows me around and sprays me with cold mist.

In the summer, I become a professional at finding shade wherever I go.

Summer is the season when walking barefoot becomes an Olympic sport.

 

In this hot weather, I'm melting faster than the ice in my drink.

The only thing that's hotter than this weather is my desire to stay indoors with the air conditioning on full blast.

 

Hot weather is the time when your car feels like an oven, and you become a roasted chicken.

 

I'm so hot, I feel like I could fry an egg on the sidewalk. But let's not waste a good egg!

 

The heat index is somewhere in between OMG and WTF.

It’s so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables, and by the time I got home they turned into soup already.

I don't need a beach body; I need a body that doesn't melt in the heat.

 

The heatwave has turned me into a literal hot mess. Send help, and preferably a cold towel.

The heat is like a bad sunburn; it's painful, uncomfortable, and makes me regret not using sunscreen.

 

I'm sweating so much, I could supply the world with salt for the next century.

Summer is the time when the sun laughs at your attempts to wear makeup.

If hell has a climate, it must be similar to this.

In this weather, my fashion sense goes out the window. It's all about survival and finding the closest shade.

 

I'm so hot, I feel like I could be the star of my own reality show: 'Surviving the Summer Heat.

I love how summer just wraps its arms around you like a warm blanket.

The best thing about a heatwave is  constantly having the illusion you’re getting exercise.

 

I gotta get my life together. This damn heat made me realize I can’t go to hell.

In the summer, the days are long, and the sweat is longer.

Summer: the season where your body is 90% sunscreen and 10% ice cream.

Summer is the time when laziness finds respectability.
-Sam Keen

At this point, I'm pretty sure my body is made up of at least 50% ice cream.

Summertime is always the best of what might be.
-Charles Bowden

Ah, summer! The weather is hot, but the ice cream is cold. It's all about balance.

 

I can handle the heat, but I can't handle the humidity. My hair has its own weather system.

Summer is the season when the air conditioner becomes my new best friend.

In the summer, the sun is like that clingy friend who follows you everywhere.

Summer is the time when the air feels like it's giving you a warm, sweaty hug.

Hot weather: the ultimate test of your deodorant's loyalty.

 

Summer is the time when your sunglasses become your best fashion accessory.

Hot weather is the perfect excuse to wear flip-flops and pretend you're on a tropical vacation.

Summer: the season when you can't leave your house without being attacked by mosquitoes.

 

In the summer, it's not about the destination; it's about finding the nearest air-conditioned room.

 

In the summer, my makeup routine consists of sunscreen and a hope for the best.

 

Summer is the season when you can fry an egg on the sidewalk and bake cookies in your car.

Hot weather is the perfect excuse to wear the shortest shorts and the wildest prints.

 

In the summer, my hair has its own agenda. It's a rebel with a mind of its own.

Hot weather is the perfect excuse to drink cocktails with little umbrellas all day long.

 

I'm not sweating, I'm just experiencing an extreme case of dehydration.

Summer is the season when I become best friends with my freezer. Ice cubes, anyone?

Hot weather is the time when your makeup melts faster than an ice cream cone in the sun.

 

Hot weather is the time when the sun gives free hugs, whether you want them or not.

 

In the summer, my motivation to do anything productive is on vacation, just like me.

 

Hot weather is the perfect excuse to have a fan permanently attached to your face.

It's so hot, I'm pretty sure the sun has decided to take up permanent residence in my backyard.

Check it Out  Air Conditioning Quotes

60 Ridiculous Fart Quotes to Make You LOL!

Funny Fart Quotes

Let's be real, who doesn't love a good fart joke? From the silly to the downright gross, these 50 funny fart quotes will have you laughing and snorting like never before. Whether you're a fan of classic slapstick humor or more, ahem, "refined" forms of comedy, there's something here for everyone. So go ahead, unleash your inner flatulence and get ready to blow your mind (and your pants) with these hilarious fart quotes!

60 Funny Bad Luck Quotes

Funny Bad Luck Quotes

Life has its way of playing pranks on us, and sometimes, bad luck becomes our constant companion. Embrace the humor in misfortune with these 60 funny bad luck quotes. Get ready to laugh and find solace in shared misadventures!

 

The only thing I'm good at is finding creative ways to fail.

 

I'm like a magnet for trouble. The universe just can't resist pulling pranks on me.

 

I tried to turn my luck around, but it seems to have a built in GPS for disaster.

 

If my life were a novel, it would be titled 'The Chronicles of Misfortune.

 

I don't need to worry about breaking a mirror for seven years of bad luck. I have bad luck on a subscription plan.

 

I'm convinced that when I was born, I slipped on a banana peel and the bad luck has followed me ever since.

 

I'm so unlucky that when I enter a room, the lightbulb decides to die.

 

I've come to terms with the fact that my guardian angel is probably on an extended coffee break.

 

I have a talent for finding the slowest line at the supermarket, no matter how many people are in front of me.

 

I have so much bad luck that my horoscope reads, 'Avoid this person at all costs.

 

I wanted to make a wish, but when I blew out the candles, the fire department showed up.

 

I tried to find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but I ended up with a parking ticket.

 

I don't need an alarm clock. I have bad luck that wakes me up at the worst possible times.

 

I thought I found my lucky star, but it turned out to be a drone with a vendetta.

 

I played hide-and-seek with luck, and it's been hiding from me ever since.

 

I tried to find my fortune in a fortune cookie, but all I got was a parking ticket.

I'm the kind of person who can trip over flat ground and somehow find a way to sprain an ankle.

 

I must have used up all my good luck in another lifetime.

 

I wish I could turn my bad luck into a renewable energy source.

 

If I ever win the lottery, I'm pretty sure the ticket will be misprinted.

 

I tried to have a positive attitude, but then life said, 'Hold my beer.

 

My life's motto: Expect the unexpected, especially when it's bad.

 

The only thing I'm good at is finding creative ways to fail.

 

I think my luck is afraid of success, so it keeps running away.

 

I'm a walking disaster zone, but at least I provide entertainment.

 

I'm not unlucky, I'm just living life on the hard difficulty setting.

I must have crossed paths with a black cat factory.

 

 

 

My life is like a continuous blooper reel.

My bad luck is legendary. They should make movies about it.

 

I'm like a real-life version of the 'Unlucky Brian' meme.

I'm convinced the universe has a hidden camera crew following me around.

 

My life is a series of unfortunate events with a laugh track that never plays.

 

If I were a superhero, my superpower would be attracting bad luck.

I must have used up all my good karma in a past life.

 

My luck is like a game of hide and seek. It's always hiding, and I can never find it.

 

I asked for a little luck, and the universe replied, 'Sorry, we're fresh out.

 

I think I broke a mirror, walked under a ladder, and stepped on a crack all in one day. Lucky me.

 

My luck is like a soap bubble beautiful and fragile, but it always bursts.

 

I must have been a meteorologist in my past life because I always attract the stormiest of days.

 

My horoscope must have a special section dedicated to 'Prepare for Disaster.

 

I have a knack for finding the only wet spot in the room when sitting down.

 

My guardian angel must be on a long vacation or permanently retired.

 

Every time I think things can't get worse, the universe takes it as a challenge and proves me wrong.

 

If there were a world record for attracting bad luck, I'd be in the Guinness Book with a permanent residency.

 

I can predict the future: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. It's the law of my life.

 

I've become so skilled at surviving bad luck that I'm considering adding it to my resume.

 

I'm like a magnet for bad luck, but instead of attracting metal, I attract embarrassing situations and epic fails.

 

Life gave me lemons, and then the lemon juice got in my eye.

 

I think I have a PhD in bad luck. It's my secret talent.

 

If bad luck were an Olympic sport, I'd win the gold medal. No doubt.

 

I decided to change my name to 'Unlucky' because it seems more fitting.

 

If there were an award for accidentally pressing the wrong button, I'd be a champion.

 

My life is like a comedy show, but the audience is always laughing at me, not with me.

 

If I won the lottery, I would probably find a way to lose the winning ticket.

 

I don't need a black cat to bring me bad luck. I attract it naturally.

 

If I won a lifetime supply of luck, it would probably expire the next day.

 

I have a magnetic personality... unfortunately, it only attracts misfortune.

 

If there's a wrong decision to be made, I'll find it faster than Google can search.

 

They say lightning never strikes the same place twice. Clearly, they haven't met me.

 

I believe in miracles. Like the miracle of me always picking the slowest checkout line.

60 Funny Good Morning Quotes

Funny Good Morning Quotes

Starting your day with a good laugh can set a positive and joyful tone for the rest of your day. Here are 60 funny good morning quotes that will bring a smile to your face and brighten your mornings:

 

I don't always wake up early, but when I do, it's usually by mistake.

 

Good morning! I woke up feeling powerful. Then I realized it was just my hair standing on end.

 

I'm not a morning person. I'm not an evening person either. Can I just be a nap person?

 

Good morning! Let the stress begin, and the coffee kick in.

  

Good morning! I don't always wake up cheerful, but when I do, I'm usually dreaming.

 

I don't need a wake-up call; I need a restraining order against mornings.

  

Good morning! My morning exercise routine consists of stretching my patience.

  

Good morning! I would tell you my morning routine, but it mostly involves hitting snooze.

 

Rise and shine! It's a new day, which means new opportunities to make hilarious mistakes.

 

Good morning! Mornings are like math problems. I'm not a fan of either.

  

Good morning! Just remember, if you're too lazy to follow your dreams, go back to bed.

Good morning! If each morning I'm one step closer to my dreams, then I must be sleepwalking.

 

Good morning! Mornings are a cruel reminder that the world doesn't revolve around our need for more sleep.

 

 I don't need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me up.

 

Good morning! The snooze button is not your friend. Don't be fooled by its sweet promises.

  

Good morning! My morning routine consists of hitting snooze and dreaming of a life where mornings don't exist.

 

Good morning! Don't worry, I won't judge your morning hair as long as you don't judge mine.

 

Good morning! Don't let the morning win, just hit the snooze button and pretend.

Good morning! I'm not saying I hate mornings, but if mornings had a face, I'd probably punch it.

 

Rise and shine, my friend! Today is a gift, so let's unwrap it with a smile.

 

Good morning! May your coffee be strong, and your Monday be short.

 

Good morning! Let's start the day with a positive thought: I haven't punched anyone yet.

 

Witty and Humorous Good Morning Quotes:

Good morning! I'm not a morning person, but if you bring me coffee, I can pretend.

 

Good morning! I need coffee before I can be a functional human.

 

I'm not a morning person, but if mornings started later, I could be convinced.

 

Good morning! Some mornings I wake up and think, 'Nah, I'm good, let's try again tomorrow.

Good morning! Happiness is waking up and realizing it's still the weekend.

 

Good morning! If each day is a gift, can I return Monday?

 

Good morning! May your coffee be strong and your Mondays be like Fridays.

 

Good morning! I'm not a morning person until the afternoon.

Good morning! Don't worry, coffee understands your mood without judging.

 

Good morning! The only thing stopping me from being a morning person is the morning itself.

 

Good morning! Mornings are like Mondays dressed in their Sunday best.

 

Good morning! Coffee, because sleeping through the alarm is a talent.

 

Good morning! Mornings: proof that miracles can happen. Like me actually waking up on time.

Rise and shine! But if shining isn't your thing, just rise and find a comfortable spot to nap.

 

Rise and shine! But if shining isn't your thing, just rise and make weird faces at yourself in the mirror.

 

Good morning! If mornings had a snooze button, I'd probably never wake up.

 

Rise and shine! But if shining isn't your thing, just rise and make yourself a cup of coffee.

 

Good morning! Mornings: because the world needed a way to make coffee necessary for survival.

 

Good morning! Mornings are like Mondays in disguise, trying to ruin your weekend vibe.

 

I woke up this morning and realized I'm too blessed to be stressed...until I looked at my phone.

 

Rise and shine! Just kidding, I'm not even fully awake yet.

 

I don't need an alarm clock. My kids jumping on my bed are enough to wake the dead.

 

Good morning! Let's start the day with a smile and end it with a nap.

 

Good morning! I need coffee before I can be held accountable for my words and actions.

 

Good morning! I'm not a morning person. Please speak quietly and offer coffee.

 

If mornings had a snooze button, I would probably slap it...repeatedly.

 

Waking up early is like a crime against sleep. I plead not guilty.

 

Good morning! If I had a dollar for every time I hit the snooze button, I'd be rich in sleep.

Good morning! My morning routine: 1% brushing teeth, 99% searching for motivation.

Rise and shine! Or rise and pretend to be shining...fake it till you make it!

I woke up this morning with a mission: to find my snooze button.

Good morning! My morning exercise routine involves stretching my imagination to come up with excuses for not working out.

Good morning! Life is short, so take a moment to appreciate the snooze button.

 

I woke up this morning and asked myself, 'Is it really morning or just a bad dream?

 

Some mornings, I wake up and wonder why the alarm clock is yelling at me. Then I remember it's Monday.

These funny good morning quotes are sure to brighten your day and bring a smile to your face. Share them with your loved ones and start your mornings with laughter. Remember, a good laugh is the perfect way to kickstart a great day!

70 Sarcasm Funny Quotes About Being Single

Sarcasm Funny Quotes About Being Single

Embrace the single life with a touch of sarcasm! Here are 20 hilariously witty quotes that perfectly capture the ups and downs of being single, reminding us that laughter is the best companion in this adventurous journey of independence.

79+ Funny I Miss You Quotes

Funny "I Miss You" Quotes: Adding Humor to Longing

 55 Funny Inspirational Status Quotes

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men  the other 999 follow women.

The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

If you wish to make a man your enemy,tell him simply, "You are wrong." This method works every time..

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

If you are afraid of being lonely, don't try to be right.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

You must pay for your sins If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.

A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

It's okay to look at the past and the future. Just don't stare.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

Honesty is the best policy when there is money in it.

If you hit the target every time it’s too near or too big.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.

I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.

Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something.

A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

Those who believe they can do something and those who believe they can't are both right.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

 

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

Computers are good at following instructions, but not at reading your mind.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.

When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

 

I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.

 

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. 

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Funny Work Quotes & Status Messages

Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free.

 

I should get an award for how I’ve managed to not punch you in the face every time I see you.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

  

is off to work again..why couldn't I have been born rich instead of good looking?

We all have someone at work we make fun of. If you don't, its you.

   

Work until you bank account looks like a phone number.

What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?

   

If you came to work late, you should at least try to leave it earlier.

   

Don't worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday...

   

Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.

   

At work, when you don't know what to do, just walk fast and look worried.

I just counted 33 things at my work that I could k*ll my boss with.:D

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.    

   

I just love waking up in the middle of the night to realize I still have time to sleep before work..

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy. When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

 

Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.  

I wonder what I did at work before I had and Iphone and Facebook.

Some people pride themselves on their hard work. I pride myself on doing so little and yet keeping my job.

   

Let’s spend countless hours preparing for a meeting that will be delayed, canceled, or misrepresented.

   

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back..

Some people work harder at getting the office temperature right than they do at their actual job.

Congratulations on getting promoted to the job you’re already doing.

When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

   

Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, If you fall asleep at work again you're fired..

 

I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

In life, opportunities aren't handed out, they are taken.

   

My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.

   

says ..As long as my boss pretends I'm on a good salary, I'll pretend to be working.

   

Hates when customers say "I am never going to shop here again!" when they don't get there way, and then you see their dumb asses in the store the next week..

   

Work is just something I'm doing until I win the lottery.

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday…

Funny one liners status for facebook whatsapp

Funny one liners status for facebook whatsapp

I`m great at remembering names. I just don`t remember which one`s yours.

There`s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.

If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

Theres a light at every end of a tunnel just pray its not a train..

I have no desire for money. It`s stuff that I want.

I follow the quote, "Always be true to yourself" because I only lie to others..

Yeah, you look alright...from a distance...at night...behind a wall..

They keep saying the right person will come along I think a truck hit mine.

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, i`d never be bored again.

Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

When your waiting for one persons text and the whole world decides to text you..

I don`t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept ..

Life`s like a bird..it`s pretty cute until it craps on your head..

My alarm clock is jealous of the relationship I have with my bed..

Looking cute in the mirror but when you take a picture, you think "What the F"

Sometimes you`re the windshield sometimes you`re the bug.

Texting a person in the same room as me, then staring at them until they get it .

Every time i goto the bathroom, i hope the toilet seat isn`t cold.

I don`t break the rules. I merely test their elasticity

Sending texts to your friend next to you things you can`t say out loud.

Staring at a text for fifteen minutes trying to figure out how to respond.

The awkward moment when you buy something and its not made in China..

Best Funny One Liners Status

I can`t clean my room because I get distracted by the cool stuff I find..

That Awkward Moment when you see a ten year old with a better phone than you.

I Am not lazy, I`m just highly motivated not to do anything.

Gravity... The only thing that can keep me down..

I hate Those Who Steal My Ideas Before I think of them..

Feeling your phone vibrate in your pocket , while it`s in the other room .

Whenever i can`t find something,it just magically appears when my mom looks..

The worst thing about sunday is knowing tomorrow is monday..

Opportunity is not knowing because you have not build the doors yet.

Bad decisions make good stories. No wonder people find me so entertaining.

Why do we need algebra? Finding X is only useful if you`re a pirate.

Funny ex quotes & Funny ex status

 Funny ex quotes & Funny ex status

I think that after a breakup, cell providers should automatically make it impossible to drunk dial your ex.

Being friends with your ex is like, a Kidnapper kidnapping you, letting you free, and then saying keep in touch.

Relationships are a lot more like algebra. For instance. Have you ever loked at your X and wonderd Y?

Dear ex, open your eyes wider and please notice that I'm happier without you.

Dating an ex is the equivalent of failing a test you already had the answers to.

Don't cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse.

Being friends with your ex and texting them while in a relationship is not acceptable.

Love can neither be created nor be destroyed.It can only be transferred from ex to Next.

Being friends with your ex is like saying the dog is dead but we can still keep it.

Algebra is my favorite subject...because you can replace my X without asking me Y.

Best feeling ever, seeing your ex with someone uglier than you.

Being friends with your ex is like keeping an empty wine bottle in your fridge. You get nothing from it & it takes up space for something new.

Dating your ex is like re-reading a book. It can be fun, but you already know how it's gonna end.

Funny ex status

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her ex. So I dumped her.

 My ex left me for some balding, over weight, less intelligent, less attractive, less financial secure person.

Being friends with your ex is hard because you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks It's like two magicians, trying to entertain each other.

Ever looked back at your ex and asked yourself was I drunk the entire relationship?

If your ex texts you saying ‘I miss you’ that means the other person they tried to replace you with failed.

Someone told me to give my ex directions but I told them that Dogs can always find there way home.

Ex means: thanks for the experience our time has expired,now exit my life.

I was the one who said things changed, you were the one who proved it.

When your ex says 'you’ll never find anyone like me' Just smile and reply “that’s the point.

Funny work status For Whatsapp & Facebook

Funny work status For Whatsapp & Facebook

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.

 At work, when you don't know what to do, just walk fast and look worried.

If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.

Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, If you fall asleep at work again you're fired.

Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free.

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Work is just something I'm doing until I win the lottery.

Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   

Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired.

If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do practice?

I send pointless emails late at night to impress coworkers.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.

My boss didn't know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.

If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English.

When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.

Don't worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.

Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.

I just love waking up in the middle of the night to realize I still have time to sleep before work.

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: Whose?

When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

A successful man continues to look for work, after he has found a job.

It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

Facebook status for job selection

I applied for a job today and they ask for three references. I wrote, a dictionary, a Thesaurus, and a map.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

I hated my job at the fireworks factory, I got fired a lot.

A Fresh Start Requites Nothing But A Spirit To Fight From Failures.

I was going to be an optometrist, but couldn't see things clearly.
 

I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.